Fate Comes to Call

A test of Resolve
Bitch Please

As we ascended the Mountain Fane I could feel every muscle in my Body begin to tear, Axe seemed unfazed by the incredible difficulty, only missing a step once or twice, I tried to assist him as best I could using my command of the stormy winds. As we struggle, I see Antonio and Dakras essentially cheating the challenge. On one hand I want to ask them where their sense of self improvement is but on the other hand I’m quite impressed with their ingenuity. I would commend Dakras on this, but he seems colder to me than usual, perhaps he is still upset about femur…he hasn’t mentioned anything otherwise. As I ponder that thought, we arrive at the top and I see a glorious storm brewing above us, one of the first times I have felt moderately comfortable in this wretched place, however even here there is a palpable taint that unnerves us all, this is an evil place. I decide to bolster the party’s resistance to electricity, understanding quite intimately how an enemy storm mage could be quite dangerous here. We make our way to the burned out tower only to face a legion of ghostly entities enveloped in one terrible monster, Dakras and Antonio in their great wealth of knowledge do not even know much more than it’s name. It soon attacks Axe first as it lashes out against him causing him to live out all his nightmares. I too soon feel this effect, but it cannot sway me so easily, it cannot show me anything I have not overcome before, I have been through the darkness once before, I refuse to go back. My resolve is absolute, even if my mind and body falter, my Will carries me on.

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Barovia Wars 2: The Dwarf Strikes Back
Everyone looked like swiss cheese that day

It was determined that we were to go after the Mountain Fane next on our journey to stop the Lord of the Lands and to go back home. But I was expecting there to be some sort of mountain pass. No. Of course not. We had to go climb the mountain. On our first journey there, I tried my new spell. I didn’t tell anyone about the spell. Omen of Peril is what it’s called. It said the journey was safe. For the most part, it was true. I was safe from whatever happened to the my companions. A shower of arrows pierced my companions as I just stood outside from the area that they were. With arms crossed, I watched as my companions fell to the ground because of a sleeping poison that was on the arrows. This is the handy work of the dwarf. No doubt about it. The walking stepping stool set a trap for my companions. Sadly, the one who triggered the trap was my sister. Now I got something else to annoy her about. Luckily, my sister was the only one to make it out of there unaffected by the poison. Using her strength, we carried our companions all the way back home. My sister gave Dakras a potion and the others a something. I forgot what the name was but when you said it, it made it sound like you were a cat throwing up a hairball. Anyway, that’s what happened with Max. He threw up everywhere. We got back to the manor in time. Everyone was put to sleep. Antonio expected me to heal them back up.
“Not this time I’m afraid” is what I would’ve want to say to Antonio.
However, after this incident, the dignity of my party shriveled up as soon as we retreated. So my answer was more on par with what everyone expects of me to say to them when asked if they can heal the bleeding wounds that was the cause of their mistake.
“No.” With that response, I slammed the door of the manor behind me and went to go to the bar to drink some more “liquid courage.”
“In memory of my party’s dignity that day.”
I drank two cups of my liquid “dignity” and gave advice to the villagers to always watch your step whether it be cow manure or a tripwire that puts the majority of your party at risk.
I come back home to a somewhat annoyed Julianna, which was no surprise.
The next day arrived and Antonio was annoyed at me during breakfast. He said “It would be very tactical of you to heal us the day before, Jolias.”
What I wanted to say is that “It would be very tactical for the trap finder to find traps, wouldn’t it?”
However, I just stayed shut. If I said that, one of the party members omitting Dakras would tell me to go “screw yourself.”
Antonio wanted to go through another luck ritual. I refused to join but paid for everyone’s cost of the money as I have reason to believe that this is some sort of scam to rid of everyone’s money. The party didn’t question where the money came from except for one: Dakras. But no paid attention to Dakras at the moment, so my church fund is safe. For anyone reading this, please understand that the money was for the construction of the Church of the Austere Lady. I still remember my original mission to spread the word of the Austere Lady while my sister goes into other people’s affairs. Once we get home, I wish to start the Church of the Austere Lady in Fiveport. However, it will take more than some platinum pieces and some gold pieces to start construction.

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Touch the shiny
It had be done

Yo Max, overcharge it one time Boy!

Yo MACE, let’s kick it!

Touch the shiny.
Touch the shiny.

Alright stop. Collaborate and listen. Max is back with my brand new invention. Something grabs a hold of me tightly. Touchin all the shinys daily and nightly!

Will it ever stop? Yo I don’t know! Turn off the lights and I’m so cursed that I’ll glow! To the extreme I grab all the shinys like a gypsy! Sorry Jolias! Gettin cursed again is how I get tipsy!

Tactics? Got a shiny that gleams? I’m rushin in again better ready your memes!
Deadly? Why yes! To myself mostly. Not gettin cursed again is how I get lonely.
Love it or leave it you better get out of my way. When I see a shiny Max don’t play.

If there is a shiny, Yo I’ll touch it. Watch me get cursed while my raven flies around it.
Touch the shiny. Touch the shiny.
Touch the shiny. Touch the shiny.
Touch the shiny.

Now that the party is freakin! With my latest curse locked in and my HP’s are dropin! Quick to the point to the point of no fakin! Picking up all the shinys like they’re wrapped up in bacon! Wearin em! On every body slot I got! Try to get em back and you’ll eat a crossbow bolt shot! And a lightning bolt with an overcharged tempo! I’m on a roll so it’s time to go solo.

Rollin! To make my boltstrider go. With all my cursed shinys out so they can glow. The party is on standby waitin for me to fail another save and die. Did you save? Nah, I just waved half my CON bye bye!
Kept on, chasing shinys to flip. I busted a left and I’m headed to the next crypt. That crypt was dead yo, so I continued to Von Zarovich Lane. Castle Ravenloft Avenue!

Strahd’s wives were hot wearin not a lot of clothes. Vampire spawn lovers flying through the air like trained pros. Jealous, cus I’m wearin all the bling. My rave with his beak and Max with 20 rings!
Ready for the minions on the wall. The spawns are acting ill cause they’re commanded to make me fall. Lightning. Lanced down like electric hell. One overcharge and they’re turned to gel.
Spell points. Running out real fast. Boltstriders still up so I slammed on the gas. Bumper to bumper this bridge is too packed. I’ve got to get away before the Dwarf vampire jumps on my back.
Strahd’s wives on the scene, you know what I mean? I cast gaseous form and jet away like a jumping bean.

If there is a shiny, Yo I’ll touch it. Watch me get cursed while my raven flies around it.
Touch the shiny. Touch the shiny.
Touch the shiny. Touch the shiny.
Touch the shiny.

Take heed cause I’m a shiny object touchin poet. I’ll grab all the shinys before you even know it. My belts, my amulets and rings. I’m so cursed the god of curses just sings. When he thinks about me his body starts to sweat, I’m wearing shiny cursed bling that he hasn’t even invented yet!
I’m so cursed all the other players say “Damn!” I’ve got so many curses on me my body should be made out of grape jam.
Overcharged and ready for every dire cursed item I find. You don’t like it stop wasting my time. I’ll shock you! Like the T-Rex I fried! Come over here punk let’s take this outside!

If there is a shiny, Yo I’ll touch it. Watch me get cursed while my raven flies around it.

Touch the shiny. Touch the shiny.
Touch the shiny. Touch the shiny.
Touch the shiny.
Shiny.

Yo rave! Let’s get out of here!
Word to your DM!

Touch the shiny. Too cursed!
Touch the shiny. Too cursed! Too cursed!
Touch the shiny. Too cursed! Too cursed!
Touch the shiny.Too cursed! Too Cursed!
Cursed.

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A hags gift

The guardian of the swamp was a Hagen elf who became enraged when Antonio mentioned us destroying the shrine. She managed to hex half the group into being dazed before we were able to slay her.

We waited for a minute but they showed no signs of coming to their senses. At Antonio’s previous advice, I was ready to slit his throat, but Jolias insisted on trying to restore them. Eventually as everyone else was fiddling with the shrine, I replenished my missing spell power with the hag. Unfortunately, the body was burned away by my attempt but I gained a new spell from the endeavor. The spell grants me the ability to clear cut the land in front of me and to harm any creature in the way. After I tested the spell, Axe was in shock. I’m half tempted to use the spell again in the future for the ease of the group’s travels but I’ll refrain for party cohesion and Axe saving my life.

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Damn you ugly
Baby got rot

As we make our way through the swamp after the death of the lightning dodging T. rex. Next we encounter this blood sucking eels, fucking Ravenloft…even the animals are bloodsuckers, it’s like this whole plane was constructed with atheme or something, like cruel intelligent design. The sooner I escape this place, the sooner I wipe that smug look off of Danny’s face. Let’s go climb a cursed mountain, no big deal. I feel like I forgot something..oh fuck that bitch was ugly! Why am I just remembering this?!

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Report Harvesterrrrrrr
I feel woozy

Jusst get out of surrrgeryy, it hurted really bad but Jolias said if I drank it would make the hurt go away more better

So the meanie vampire guy made my FAVORITE thumbkin fall offff. That was NOT cool. Then again, we were trying to steal his bossess power from the swampy place. That was not cool of us but his boss is not cool AT ALL.

My poooooor raven got hit by rocks in the sky and died. I liked that one too. (Julianah pauses to pour a bit of drink out for Raven #4) The rocks also killed weird vampire magic guy too.

Then Dakrrrs got dragged by a crab bug thing. Chuul. That’s what it is. Chuul. But then a bush attacked us. Then BUTTERFLIES BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES. Then a big ugly TREX. BAD TREX. It also dodged LIGHTNING.

Then found ugly eye lady. She was like, REALLY UGLY. So ugly half of us stared and did jack squat. I felt kinda bad bout it but oh well. Maybe she was so evil because she was ugly.

Then once she dead we found a tooth. Axe took it and was like more happy in swamps. Also Dakr killed treez.

Then we went back, and I just woke up with thumbkin back on my hand. It was cool and all, but it hurt like alot. Then Jolias gave me this drink.

So yeahh. Ima go sleepy time nowz.

Laterz.

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Curious is the Trapmaker's Art
All the RNG items will be mine

That Rod of Chaos is certainly a dangerous item. When Dakras and Antonio told me about the set that this wand belonged to, I couldn’t help but be curious. This item made me feel something I haven’t felt in a long time: curiosity. This item piqued my interest in the Rainments of Wonder. I can definitely make an impact with a wand such as this one. It’s a fine specimen of what primordial magic can be like in it’s purest form. Maybe once we get back to Fiveport, I will research into the set. This curiosity is dangerous. Most of my party would attempt to derail me from my newfound obsession with the set. Dakras would not care. Maybe I can ask him to help me.

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The empty mind
Not referring to Max (for once)

Gentle reader, when I was just a young lad begging for my mentor to regale me with stories of his travels in the wide world, I always requested stories from the Jade Empire the most. As some of you may know the Jade Empire is the common name of the landmass that many refer to as “The Southlands” in this day and age. This overwhelmingly bland descriptor does not do this realm of mysticism, martial arts, and ancestor worship justice. The culture is so varied and unique that I could spend several lifetimes documenting it all and still know nothing about it. This land. its people, and its philosophy on life are so different to our own as to be completely alien in nature to us.

Yet similarities can be found.

As a lad on the streets of Tescana I could not even fathom the idea of wielding a ranged weapon. Thrown rocks often call too much attention from the guards and if you actually came across a blade that could be considered some sort of dagger the last thing on earth one would do is throw it at anything. But my mentors stories of the marksmen of the Jade Empire convinced me to pick up a bow in my service to Royal Exploration Society. While I took to the mechanics of it well enough I never expected to reach the “empty mind state” needed to be an exceptional archer.

Until now.

Faced with a deadly prehistoric beast long thought extinct or driven into hiding in the remotest parts of the world, I finally found myself in the “moment of perfect tranquility” that my mentor talked about so often. There was no thought, only action. There was no fear, only certainty. There was no chance to miss, only a shot meticulously aimed as if the gods themselves had launched it for me and placed it directly in the great beasts eye.

The beast BLINKED. Not a magical effect of spell, but just a normal reaction that all of us have that happens multiple times per minute. I confess that I do not know if this creature actually has an eyelid or if its pupils are protected by an extra membrane in front of the eye such as frogs do, it matters not as the effect is the same. In the one moment of prefect clarity and unity I have ever achieved with a bow my target was only slightly affected by a twist of fate amazingly cruel to behold.

I barely remember what happened afterwords.

Twice now I have experienced a state of perfect unity. Once drinking wine with the drunken priest, and now with the bow. Only this time the perfection was lost by an action so common as to be insignificant to most of us in daily life.

The laughter of the gods I serve is still ringing in my ears.

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A Hero is Born
Can ya Dig it?

Maximilian and his party face off against a T-Rex, all mouths agape, all eyes wide in shock at the newest calamity that the priest has wrought with that wretched wand. Max musters his courage and draws upon a power deep within himself. The clouds darken and rain begins to pour relentlessly. He takes careful aim, charges his bolt to the Maximum and beyond, burning out the rest of his energy and threatening to turn his mortal coil to ash. With a cacophonous thunderclap he fires his bolt…and misses the monster completely. The bolt sails off in the direction of a lone wagon with a very familiar and not so loved scum of a Merchant. The wagon, his over priced shovels, and general filth is completely obliterated. The blackened scorched skull flies towards the battlefield and lands with squelch in the swampy water nearby. Max collapses to his knee before the beast completely drained, all hope is lost. As the beast sets his predatory gaze upon the lightning mage, his rows of dagger like teeth now visible as the creature opens its all consuming maw, a blur of a blade like object launches through the air and severs the creatures’ tail just like an Ogre’s head being sheared clean off his shoulders. A moment later the object returns through the air back towards the wielder with the same speed in which it flew. Max can’t believe his eyes, in the hands of his Savior…of all things…. A Shovel! The man is dressed in the garb of gravedigger, wearing an armor of bone that would make the Necromancer green with envy. The top of his face obscured by a mask made from the face of a skull. His cloak is long and resplendent, a symbol of a Skull with two crossed shovels emblazoned on it. In his left hand he wields a second shovel and across his back yet another pair. All of them of incredible and unfathomable quality, no doubt created by true masters of craft. Razor Sharp, beautiful, and extremely deadly. He speaks, his mannerisms full of energy and vigor.

’"Fear not brave heroes! For I have arrived! The one and only, Skull Diggery! You have all fought bravely, but rest now, I will handle this."

He stares down the beast as it roars defiantly at the Shovel wielding man.

The beast lunges at him teeth first, but Skull effortlessly sidesteps the attack and smacks the monster twice over the head with his shovels like a Matador taunting a bull. The monster tries bash him with an uppercut using his massive head to try and launch him up into the air, but Skull is too quick and backflips out of the way, as he does throws both of his wielded shovels into the feet of the monster, piercing them to the ground. As the shovels connect their magic activates and encases the T-Rex’s legs in manacles of stone, sealing him to the ground.

He draws his second pair of resplendent shovels and his air of bravado fades into a more serious tone, with a flourish and crossing of the shovels high over his head, he settles into a stance.

“The time has come monster…to Dig your Grave.” His theme song “Dragula aka Dracula” by Rob Zombie begins to play. He springs up towards the beast in a flurry of motion and shovel blade slashes quicker than the eye can follow, even the most experienced combatants in the party lose track after the 4th pair of slashes. As he slashes at lightning speeds, words emblaze themselves across the screen (Kill la Kill Style)

GRAVEKEEPERS SECRET SLASH TECHNIQUEGRAVE DIRT AVALANCHE!!!”

As he buzzsaws his way up the creature cutting him into more pieces than Raiden from metal gear rising cuts things into he kickflips off of the creatures skull into a corkscrew flip, he begins to spin rapidly like a drill and lunches towards the ground shovels first. He slams into the ground (Super Hero Landing style) thunderously causing a seismic wave to generate into the ground and towards the monster. As the vibration hits, the creature explodes into a cloud of T-Rex shaped blood and viscera and time freezes. More words appear (Kill la Kill Style)

SHOVEL MASTERS ANCIENT LOST BLADE ART- THE 100% GUARANTEED KILLING TECHNIQUE- EARTH SHATTER BURIAL!”

Moments later there is a torrent of blood that explodes forward parting like a red sea around Skull but covering the party in viscera.

He sheathes his shovels and his other pair fly back into his hands. He approaches Max and helps him up.

“You don’t recognize me do you? I am the man you sold those magnificent shovels to in bilgerath’s shop. I came there that day simply needing some tools to tend the graves as has been my family’s lot for eons, little did I know that I carried a bloodline of great destiny that awakened both my inner power and the true power of the Shovels. It’s all thanks to you, I can be a hero now and protect Barovia, worry not for Strahd, I will deal with him soon. You all want to go home right?”

Waiting only for a moment for confirmation, he plunges his shovel into the thin air and with a motion similar to throwing dirt over his shoulder he tears a hole in the planes to the Home Plane of the heroes.

“You can all go home now, I will send you what you came here for shortly.”

And so the Heroes returned home and Skull Diggery the Gravedigger of Great Destiny, slayed Strahd once and for all.

The End

Thank You for Playing Ravenloft! Secret Ending Unlocked.

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Journal First Week of the Harvester: A Year Later
Jumping on the Parody Bandwagon

It has been nearly a year since the day I ducked tail and ran.

Much has changed, some for the better, some for worse. I was cleaning out the old spare room for the baby when I came across my adventure pack, dusty and still caked with the mud from the swamp. I flipped through the pages of these “Mission Reports” a younger, more naive me was fond of writing.

Lets write one more.

We were ambushed in the swamp by a creature that dragged Dakras under the water. I don’t really know much about what happened next, beyond Jolias using that cursed wand. It started out innocent enough. Butterflies. Butterflies everywhere.

Yet then as the butterflies faded an ominous roar pierced the air. We stared, dumbfounded, at the giant dinosaur glaring in anger towards Jolias.

Max started angrily growling as the skies parted around him. The growling, however, ended once he was blown to bits from his own overcharged lightning bolt(s). He did not come back. It seemed as if fate was no longer on our side.

Antonio was only briefly visible before the t-rex was summoned, but when I looked across the river for him he was gone. No where in sight.

Axe dropped Dakras and started charging towards the beast, clanging his axe against his shield. Well the taunting worked – the t-rex crushed him under his foot.

I’m not positive what happened to Dakras. He stood up in the water after Axe dropped him, went paler than usual then got a wicked smile on his face. I saw him start casting something and his scythe glowed with a black darkness. That is, until the chuul also came to and snatched him under water again.

Jolias threw his arms up in the sky screaming “SAVIOR TAKE ME NOW” before he disappeared in the beast’s gaping maw.

I was filled with rage. I summoned Sassy so I could charge the dinosaur. I knew I wouldn’t escape alive. But I didn’t care. I began to charge up a smite when suddenly, all power seemed to drain from me.

It seems the Austere Lady did not think that charging the beast was a tactical decision.

Looking back I don’t blame her. I deserved the fall from her grace – clearly all decisions we had made up to that point lead us to summon a party-killing dinosaur.

My rage was gone with my divine favor and my party members. I was lucky I still had Sassy. We ran. The t-rex chased us for a minute before finally disappearing. I slowly went back to look for Antonio and Dakras, but even after waiting and searching for an hour there was no luck. I mournfully grabbed what I could carry from what remained of my team and made the long trek back to Barovia.

Once there I figured I could wait and help out the next group that tried to go up against Strahd – I certainly couldn’t do it alone. To pass the time I decided I would work the forge since the town was lacking a smith. Weeks turned to months and no one showed up, and Strahd largely has left the village alone.

Now a year later I’ve met a man (a farmer who jokingly calls himself the 26th richest man in Barovia) and have a child on the way. My husband wants me to name him Jolias. Im not sure – I dont want my child to be a drunken idiot like he was

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