Six adventurers stand on the deck of The Duck’s Demise, looking towards a rather sinister-looking island.
“So… what did you say the name of this place was?” asked Axe.
“The Bay of Sultry Anger.” replied Antonio.
“And we’re going in here to fight the—”
“Screech Tarrasque. Also, apparently a pimp named Slickback.”
“And our goal in this is—”
“The Cotton Golden Monkey of Illumination.”
“… Is it just me or does this adventure sound like a bad joke?”
Antonio sighed. “It is no joke. The Golden Monkey is a highly important artifact to the Church of Soldral, and the Screech Tarrasque is a deadly foe. We should be on our guard.”
Axe raised his eyebrow. “Seriously? After all we’ve been through? Are you forgetting who’s in this group?”
He motioned to Julianah, who was wearing at least 5 different ancient holy artifacts, including the Holy Symbol of Ravenloft, the Shield of Aroden, the Sunsword, and probably 2-4 more insanely powerful magic items. “We have a Paladin that considered the messiah in twelve different nations.”
His attention turned to Jolias, who now bore the holy symbol of a tankard next to the symbol of the Austere Lady, and whose robes looked to be made of solid silver. “We have a man who is somehow the official holy prophet of two different religions depending on how drunk he is.”
He moved his hand next to Dakkras, who no longer had skin or muscles on his form. His scythe now had a blade that faded in and out of existence randomly, and his cloak was made out of the souls of his former enemies. “We have the new Grave-King of a quarter of the Old World— thanks for taking time off to help us out by the way”.
“No problem.” Rasped Dakkras. “I left a few new experiments behind to keep the order.”
Axe pointed at Max, who crackled occasionally with lightning and held a spear that appeared to have a tip made from some kind of giant sea monster fang. “We have a literal demigod of lightning!”
Axe pointed to himself. He was now wearing strange armor that was a fusion of bone and cloth that resembled a monk’s robes, and his axe was— well, it was mostly just the same axe, just cleaner. “And I’m not only a recognized Master Kensai, I’m also the head of the Summer Elm mercenary core, which is quickly becoming the most powerful mercenary group in Siendart.”
He turned back to Antonio, whose clothes were considerably more opulent. “And you’re the head of the Royal Explorer’s Society now, ever since you managed to screw that demon lord thing over in a deal a year back. Plus, aren’t you literally immortal?”
“I’m taking all of this into account when I say that we should be careful. It is unknown exactly how strong the Screech Tarrasque is, but given that no one has ever faced it and lived, I’m not taking any chances.” Antonio retorted.
“Stop it, the both of you.” Julianah said, smacking both of them upside the head with a blow that would probably snap the necks of lesser men. “We’re close enough to fly over.”
Max didn’t even have to speak or move to cast the comparatively low-level spell anymore. The six adventurers took to the sky towards the island with the temple shaped like a tarrasque skull. The scene was somewhat ruined by the tacky magical sign— “HOS AVAILABLE”.
“Who even turns an ancient temple into a brothel, anyways?” Axe murmured.
“Apparently, A pimp named Slickback” Replied Jolias.
The group walked in silence to the massive front door, carved with endless designs of runes and pictograms. Antonio walked forwards and examined the huge stone slab.
“Yeah, there are a couple of traps. Give me a minute to deal with them before we go in.”
He set to work.
“So, does your wife know you’re here, Axe?” asked Julianah. Axe scoffed.
“Like I would keep it from Elm. Or be able to, for that matter. She trusts me to be faithful. Besides, doesn’t Antonio have like 5 wives now?”
“Six, actually. And four lovers. They’re all aware of each other too. We have an arrangement.” Antonio called from up ahead.
The five stood around awkwardly. Axe pulled some large tusk out of his Handy Haversack and started his scrimshaw work.
“Alright. I’m done. Now we just have to figure out how to get it open. Usually, in these cases, there’s some kind of command word or artifact, but I can’t figure it out for the moment—” Antonio started.
“I’ve got it.” Said Max. The sky was suddenly stormy. Antonio, trained by years of experience, sprinted away from the door as fast as he could. The others took cover as well. The world went white for a second as a thunderous roar filled the air for miles around, and then there was no door anymore. Hot pieces of rock pinged off the surrounding terrain.
Then the air was filled with the sound of flapping wings, and from the eyes of the tarrasque temple came a horde of familiar creatures. Undead dire bats. Max and Antonio’s hands both went to their crotches instinctually.
Julianah looked at her brother.
“We should probably deal with this before Max gets twitchy and lightning-blasts us all.” She said. Jolias shrugged, and both of them raised their holy symbols.
The air was once again filled with white light, and ashes soon rained down on the party.
Dakkras was smoking slightly. “Ow.” He said, monotone.
Hands drifted away from guarding positions as two cases of PTSD were dealt with, only for Julianah and Jolias to be reminded of their tragic backstory. The pair ran inside, soon followed by the rest of the group.
The inside of the temple was surprisingly tacky. Shag carpeting lined the floor, and alcoves where the sounds of… well, let’s say pleasure and leave it at that.
“Hey baby, wanna join me in here?” Said a woman of negotiable affection.
“Sorry, we’re here on business.” Returned Julianah.
“Oh, you’re gonna work here. Good luck then! Don’t talk back much to the boss, he gets upset.” she replied.
Julianah ground her teeth and moved on.
“So, where is this monster?” Jolias queried.
Antonio shrugged. “How should I know? I don’t have a map. I assume not much further.”
Axe looked at the walls. “These are some… interesting murals there.”
The whole group looked at the stone carvings. Depicted were scenes of figures that were obviously female kneeling, being struck, or in chains. It looked like something out of a feminist’s nightmares.
Antonio cocked an eyebrow. “I don’t think this civilization had the highest opinion of women.”
“No kidding” Deadpanned Julianah. “I can see why this Slickback guy runs a brothel out of here.”
A strange chill ran through the air. The group could almost swear they heard a voice yelling from down the hallway.
The group continued down the hall.
Gradually, the worked stone walls coated in runic language and pictograms give way to cavern walls which expand outwards as they move.
The party soon arrives at a huge, open cavern, at least 100 meters wide, maybe more. A small opening on the ceiling let in sun, illuminating a massive beast. A huge gray beast took up about 30-40 square feet of space in the center, its mouth huge with a pouch on its throat. It seems to sleep soundly. Oddly enough, there was a house on the other side of the cavern, on stilts and reachable by a staircase. There were windows overseeing the cavern, though it was impossible to see in due to the light difference.
“Magnificent” Dakkras breathed (well, not really), clearly imagining it as a zombie.
“Dangerous. Luckily, it sleeps for all eternity unless awoken. So move quietly.” Whispered Antonio.
Everyone else nodded their agreement, and the group moved quietly through the cavern. Luckily, years of adventuring had given them decent stealth checks. Max shifted into mist as he moved, and Antonio was impossible to detect even by the most perceptive.
Evidently, this did not stop the house’s resident, as the door slammed open, revealing a man with dark skin wearing a purple suit and an odd hat.
“What the fuck you bitches doin’ walkin’ up to my house like you’s somebody?”
The party froze. No one dared speak.
“You gonna say somethin’ bitches? I can barely even see yo asses.”
Gazes crept to the still-sleeping tarrasque.
“Fuck it. You assholes are probably just a bad dose of drugs.”
He went back into his house slamming his door again.
The heroes let out a sigh of relief, and began creeping closer again. It didn’t matter if the man had seen them— he was not the threat here.
Then, they heard some shouting from the house. It kind of sounded like someone shouting about a toaster. This was quickly drowned out by the shattering of glass as a bagel came flying out of a window. It smacked into the tarrasque, leaving a small spatter of cream cheese on the beast’s head.
The cavern was soon filled with the sound of a shifting beast. The Screech Tarrasque stood, blinking sleep out of its eyes.
It then rolled a nat 20 on its perception check.
Its eyes narrowed as its throat inflated, and soon an ear-destroying roar filled the air.
Lots of critical hits, holy smites, aoe buffs, impeccably aimed arrows, undead forces, and massive lightning bolts later, the tarrasque was reduced to a tiny chunk of flesh, growing back at an alarming rate. One collaborative wish spell took care of that.
The group sat there, breathing heavily.
“See… I told you… we’d be fine…” Axe panted.
“You died… twice.” Antonio gasped.
“Yeah… but one of those was after hitting its throat 20 times from the inside.” Axe retorted.
The door slammed open. The man was outside again, carrying something in one hand, and looking rather angry.
“What the fuck are you bitches doin’ out here makin’ so much noise!”
He took in the scene.
“Why the fuck did you kill Fluffy?” He demanded.
“You named it Fluffy?” Asked Max.
“You got a problem with that, bitch?” He said, moving closer. Now, the object in his hand was visible. It was a shiny pair of rods, connected by a chain. The rods had an odd swelled section on each end.
Axe stared. “Are those sex toys connected by a chain?”
“It’s called the Slimy Nunchucks of Lube, bitch.”
Axe looked over to his fellows. “I continue to state that all mages are to some degree fucking insane.”
“Now I’m gonna have to kick y’all’s asses. Come at me.”
He let out a series of kung-fu style shouts, swinging the phallic nunchucks around.
They promptly flew out of his grasp.
Julianah stepped forwards. “Look, Mr. Slickback…”
The man went red in the face. “The fuck did you just call me bitch? The fuck did you just call me?”
Julianah cocked her eyebrow. “I’m… sorry?”
“You better be sorry ho! That is not my name! I am a PIMP named Slickback!”
“That’s what I said.”
“No, you said Mr. Slickback. That is not my name. I am a pimp named slickback! Hos like you better respect!”
He ran forward and swung his hand, slapping Julianah in her unprotected face.
The cavern went silent. Julianah slowly moved her face back to face The Pimp Named Slickback. She showed no sign of pain.
Her friends winced in sympathy at the show that ensued.
A Pimp Named Slickback was bruised and battered on the ground, moaning slightly.
Antonio approached the group, carrying a glowing monkey made of golden thread.
“Right. We got what we came for. We can leave.”
Everyone nodded, happy to leave this very silly place. And if Julianah burned the place down on the way out, no one complained.